Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Operation "Ambush the Brothers Felich" about to commence

For months, lo maybe years, I have taken cheap shots, surprise attacks, and outright massacres from my sons and their nerf guns. I have minded my own business and been taken out with merciless head shots. I have taken the higher road despite being ambushed in the middle of a deep sleep. I have sought to de-escalate the violence of manifold nerf gun assaults by trying to ignore the perpetual sound of a cocking plastic gun seconds before a barrage of styrofoam darts have pummeled me in the chest.

Today the injustice stops. No more Mr. Nice guy. Please notice the above gun. It is the Raider CS-35. For those of my readers not schooled in military/firearm language-The "35" stands for a carrying drum capacity of 35 rounds. I bought it today along with an extra 32 rounds to be stored in my front hoodie pocket for easy reloading.

Today at approximately 3:40 CST my boys will be dropped off from school by an unwitting accomplice to what will transpire. At approximately 3:41 CST the last of the boys will have passed the threshold of my front door. Seconds after the last son passes said threshold, I will burst forth from behind the piano and unleash a furious ambush like none other seen in this house nor witnessed in modern times anywhere.

The attack will be swift, relentless, merciless, and decisive. I will take no prisoners. They will be sorry they ever messed with me.


ginger said...


Woody Woodward said...

Why don't you recruit Brother Brian to film this epic ambushing battle of painful plastic projecting puffs of payback penitence?
Reminds me on the infamous Westminster dodge ball episode several years back.

Nathan said...

The international community cannot stand by when we hear your Gaddafi like crack down on surely peaceful young boys. I am sure that a "no nerf zone" would be imposed if knowledge of your acts of atrocity are made known. Their only defense being archaic weapons from past nerf era's like the poorly constructed 6shot "Maverick" which is clearly not able to repel attacks from weapons of the "Raider-35" magnitude.
Reprisals for such despotic attacks against your own people will be swift and deliberative. You risk an uprising of the poorly organized but much feared "Felich Brotherhood" already under watch as a terrorist organization.
I just hope you heed this envoy of peace before it's too late!

Reepicheep said...

Mr. Currey, I strongly urge you to back away from this affair. It is of no concern to you.

Should you alert the Brothers Felich to their impending doom before they leave school, I will view it as a declaration of war and appropriate measures will be taken.

I am the duly appointed sovereign of this estate and therefore declare the sovereignty of this household and my right to execute a military campaign against those who are rebellious and/or guilty of terrorist attacks over the years.

Again, I entreat you- back off.

Reepicheep said...

Also...fathers (and Presidents) are allowed to unilaterally order military operations. This is not a democracy.

Woody Woodward said...

Nathan, put a snowball on Tony's desk.

Matthew Rose said...

Your "front hoodie pocket"? Good grief, G Money.