Thursday, June 16, 2011

Response to smear campaign by The Graze

Viciously photoshopped picture posted by "The Graze". Nice turtleneck though...

I was recently the subject of a vicious smear campaign on "The Graze" regarding some comments I made in private to a co-laborer in the ministry. I am writing to set the record straight.

It is true, I hate dogs. I am sure I would have liked dogs before the fall of man, but this side of the fall, I despise them. Admittedly I have had various run-in's with dogs over the years that have colored my opinion, nevertheless, I make no secret of my angst toward all rover-kind. Now, before all you dog-loving readers raise your pooper scoopers in anger toward me, let me be clear that I think it's great that so many people get satisfaction from enslaving a wild animal. It's perfectly OK with me that others enjoy having a mongrel roam their house, poop and pee on the carpet, shed hair everywhere, smell every person who walks in the front door (I'll say no more on that), bark at every squirrel they see in the yard (undoubtedly longing to be free like the squirrel), drink out of the toilet, lick their private parts, and then lick their master's face. Hey, it's a free country, if you want a dog in your house- go for it!! Why not a pot-bellied pig while you're at it? I hear they're neater. How about a wolverine? Maybe a family of muskrats? I admit to being curious about the kind of pet a coyote would make. But anyways, I don't like dogs, but I am totally in favor of people who want to have their life altered by the need to care for a canine friend to have it their way.

Now, as for the vicious attack I was the subject of on The Graze, I feel it is essential that I make my position plain.

Yes, it is true. I think cats rule and dogs drool. To be clear, I am not generally a fan of the concept of keeping animals as pets (except a piranha...feeding time makes it so worth it!). I did have a cat once though. She wasn't the most social pet. As I watched her live her life in two apartments we had and our first house, it dawned on me how superior cats are to dogs. Whether in the wild or domesticated (to the degree such a concept works with wild animals), cats are awesome, dogs are not. People will often say dogs are smarter. Why? Because the dumb beasts can be trained to do stupid, demoralizing things like fetching a stick over and over and over? Because a dog can roll over it's smarter than a cat? I think just the opposite. Only a stupid animal would lower itself to "sit" in order to get a biscuit made of horse meat. How ridiculous! A cat on the other hand is far too regal to reduce it's honor for such a pitiful treat. Cats are independent. Cats are wise and cunning. No matter how long you keep a cat inside, they never lose their hunting instinct. What could be more precious than Tabby leaving an eviscerated mouse at the front door for their master to see. Cats are in the same family as Lions! Yes- the Lion King, The King of the Jungle, and Aslan! Dogs? Hmmmm...{crickets chirping}. What, pray tell, was the Godfather's favorite pet? Not a dog, of course.

So, no matter what the tabloid site "The Graze" may purport, you now have the truth here- Dogs drool, cats rule!!

Side note: I do have a stuffed coyote (killed legally with a .223 from 200 yards) and a stuffed bobcat (also killed legally with a bow and arrow from about 25 steps) prominently located in my office to honor both the canine and feline species.

13 comments:

dayebydaye said...

Hilarious!!!

Woody Woodward said...

I am at a loss for a proper response? I would like to say, I think, your vigorous scorn and contemptible attitude over canines is only a front to get people going crazy. So I look past your overly verbose comments about man’s best friend. But you really got me when you would dare to state that a stupid, independent feline is smarter than a loving, caring, obedient pup. Now you’ve lost it. The only time I have ever seen trained cats is at the Moscow Circus. And that’s because cats are Communists! And if they disobey, they get thrown into a cold and damp Siberian gulag!

Reepicheep said...

Woody, did you just call cats communists? This means war!

Woody Woodward said...

War or no war, the only thing that can beat a cat is a sail cats. Do you know what makes a sail cat so great?

will said...

As a historian, just let me say that countless soldiers owe their lives to the dogs who served in combat units.

Brother Titus said...

I never would've figured you for an anti-dog-loving cat lover, pastor, especially being a hunter. It just doesn't seem right.

Zach said...

If cats could talk, their motto would be "Here I stand. I can do no other..."

Dogs, on the other hand, prefer "Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum." :)

Reepicheep said...

Now that's funny Zach...that's exactly what's wrong with dogs...of course, I doubt pooping, peeing, and vomiting, shedding, biting, etc. etc. is quite
their master's will...but then again, maybe it is.

Shawn said...

Okay, first, you act as though only dogs do pooping, peeing, and vomiting, shedding, biting, etc. etc. But with 2 dogs and a cat. The cat pukes up hairballs all of the time. She bites when she wants your attention. She poops anytime she gets scared, and we will not talk about her shedding.

As far as hunting goes... I have had the misfortune of having 6 cats in my life. Total number of mice caught? 2 I have had 10 dogs. Total hunts hundreds of mice, 5 rats, 3 opossums, 1 raccoon, 20 squirrels (your dad should have used a dog on those squirrels), 1 javelina, 40 birds and 1 cat.

Since the fall of man, dogs have been a Godsend we utilize in so many ways. I have never seen a seeing eye cat. Nor a helper cat, a rescue cat or anything other than a lazy food eating furball. I personally have taken dogs into retirement homes and hospitals to bring joy to people. I have friends whose dogs bring in their sheep and goats. My sister has a dog who took a bite out of crime by taking a bite out of the intruder into her home.

Last and most important to me. If you are injured and clinging to life, a dog will try to help. A cat will wait until it can eat you.

Reepicheep said...

Shawn, on behalf of all feline-kind, I am offended. You said-

"If you are injured and clinging to life, a dog will try to help. A cat will wait until it can eat you."

NO WAY. Cat's are not scavengers. They will rarely eat dead bodies. No, instead, if you are injured and clinging to life, they'll dig in right away!

Another reason I think cats are superior to dogs...

I do think dogs helping soldiers and seeing eye dogs are cool though.

lastmohican said...

a dog notes it is fed and given water daily. there are daily walks and occasional baths. it thinks 'my master must be a god.'

the cat notes it is fed and given water daily. it has toys to play with. it is picked up and loved. it thinks ' i must be a god!'

with my dog i pray daily please help me to be the person that my dog thinks i am...

M Rose said...

Shockingly favorable comments about cats on a blog named after the leader of the Talking Mice.

cara erickson-park said...

I would comment, but I can't formulate a thought in the midst of the gales of laughter...