Response to smear campaign by The Graze

Viciously photoshopped picture posted by "The Graze". Nice turtleneck though...

I was recently the subject of a vicious smear campaign on "The Graze" regarding some comments I made in private to a co-laborer in the ministry. I am writing to set the record straight.

It is true, I hate dogs. I am sure I would have liked dogs before the fall of man, but this side of the fall, I despise them. Admittedly I have had various run-in's with dogs over the years that have colored my opinion, nevertheless, I make no secret of my angst toward all rover-kind. Now, before all you dog-loving readers raise your pooper scoopers in anger toward me, let me be clear that I think it's great that so many people get satisfaction from enslaving a wild animal. It's perfectly OK with me that others enjoy having a mongrel roam their house, poop and pee on the carpet, shed hair everywhere, smell every person who walks in the front door (I'll say no more on that), bark at every squirrel they see in the yard (undoubtedly longing to be free like the squirrel), drink out of the toilet, lick their private parts, and then lick their master's face. Hey, it's a free country, if you want a dog in your house- go for it!! Why not a pot-bellied pig while you're at it? I hear they're neater. How about a wolverine? Maybe a family of muskrats? I admit to being curious about the kind of pet a coyote would make. But anyways, I don't like dogs, but I am totally in favor of people who want to have their life altered by the need to care for a canine friend to have it their way.

Now, as for the vicious attack I was the subject of on The Graze, I feel it is essential that I make my position plain.

Yes, it is true. I think cats rule and dogs drool. To be clear, I am not generally a fan of the concept of keeping animals as pets (except a piranha...feeding time makes it so worth it!). I did have a cat once though. She wasn't the most social pet. As I watched her live her life in two apartments we had and our first house, it dawned on me how superior cats are to dogs. Whether in the wild or domesticated (to the degree such a concept works with wild animals), cats are awesome, dogs are not. People will often say dogs are smarter. Why? Because the dumb beasts can be trained to do stupid, demoralizing things like fetching a stick over and over and over? Because a dog can roll over it's smarter than a cat? I think just the opposite. Only a stupid animal would lower itself to "sit" in order to get a biscuit made of horse meat. How ridiculous! A cat on the other hand is far too regal to reduce it's honor for such a pitiful treat. Cats are independent. Cats are wise and cunning. No matter how long you keep a cat inside, they never lose their hunting instinct. What could be more precious than Tabby leaving an eviscerated mouse at the front door for their master to see. Cats are in the same family as Lions! Yes- the Lion King, The King of the Jungle, and Aslan! Dogs? Hmmmm...{crickets chirping}. What, pray tell, was the Godfather's favorite pet? Not a dog, of course.

So, no matter what the tabloid site "The Graze" may purport, you now have the truth here- Dogs drool, cats rule!!

Side note: I do have a stuffed coyote (killed legally with a .223 from 200 yards) and a stuffed bobcat (also killed legally with a bow and arrow from about 25 steps) prominently located in my office to honor both the canine and feline species.